Thoughts on turning 1/4 of a hundo years old:
Maturity is something that is decieving; we often confuse becomming more mature with never repeating the same mistakes again. I don't think all repeated mistakes are failures... some lessons need practice to learn.
I am no longer sure that I will be able to get everywhere in life navigating only by the helm of intuition.
I also recognize that decision making will NEVER be easy until the day I die.
If love were like one side of a coin, I do not think its opposite side would be hate: I think it would be apathy.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Into the wild.
Just finished watching into the wild.
Wholly Shit. As in: "holy shit!" and, "wholly taken over".
Somethings in there are truth, wonderful, and deeply saddening all at once. To me it seemed posed that there is a decision in every mans life to be a part of society or to be apart. And, once you step one way you cannot go the other. It is like a one way door.
What is society, and why do people often do bad things while we are in "it"? It is so easy to blame, but really it is a meaningless word with a circular definition: are we not society, and it dares to be asked: are we good or are we bad?
One line that really got to me was: "Happiness is only real when it is shared." It makes me wonder, what is the point of it all if there is you and you alone? How can you be happy and a good person and live in this society that makes and pushes and pulls towards selfishness and corrupt heartless acts? Why is there always this strong desire to be a part of something bigger and have a home and family? Can we rely on human relationships or are we just trying to connect with the bigger thing of the universe, the God, the What, the love?
How can I be a part of this thing and still sing a love song for the freedom and desire for nature, for the wild, for this otherness. Was a seed left insede of us all before we became human, that points us like a lodestone towards this primal nature? Were we ever anything but society, but ties, collars, ironed shirts, pressed pants and a 9 to 5?
Happiness is only real if it is shared, with family and loved ones, and friends. I still remember that the truth I found while in the desert was that you must venture out into the woods, but you must always reutrn and share what you have learned.... but how can you boldly and truthfully go into the wild like that and ever be able to return? it seems as if there is a point of no return where in you give up your humanness and become wild again. And with that comes freedom and magic, but with that also comes a deep aloneness and isolation. There is something out there that must be shared but as soon as it is discovered it becomes almost impossible to save from extortion, from destruction, from humanness as if it were a holy place and to enter it you must become that otherness, that non-human.
Another line:
I realize that it is not important to be strong, but to feel strong.
this is all gobblety gook right now and will need to be sorted through later.
Ask this question:
why are we here and what is our purpose?
and also in conjunction with that:
what is out there, what is nature and how are we to live in it?
Wholly Shit. As in: "holy shit!" and, "wholly taken over".
Somethings in there are truth, wonderful, and deeply saddening all at once. To me it seemed posed that there is a decision in every mans life to be a part of society or to be apart. And, once you step one way you cannot go the other. It is like a one way door.
What is society, and why do people often do bad things while we are in "it"? It is so easy to blame, but really it is a meaningless word with a circular definition: are we not society, and it dares to be asked: are we good or are we bad?
One line that really got to me was: "Happiness is only real when it is shared." It makes me wonder, what is the point of it all if there is you and you alone? How can you be happy and a good person and live in this society that makes and pushes and pulls towards selfishness and corrupt heartless acts? Why is there always this strong desire to be a part of something bigger and have a home and family? Can we rely on human relationships or are we just trying to connect with the bigger thing of the universe, the God, the What, the love?
How can I be a part of this thing and still sing a love song for the freedom and desire for nature, for the wild, for this otherness. Was a seed left insede of us all before we became human, that points us like a lodestone towards this primal nature? Were we ever anything but society, but ties, collars, ironed shirts, pressed pants and a 9 to 5?
Happiness is only real if it is shared, with family and loved ones, and friends. I still remember that the truth I found while in the desert was that you must venture out into the woods, but you must always reutrn and share what you have learned.... but how can you boldly and truthfully go into the wild like that and ever be able to return? it seems as if there is a point of no return where in you give up your humanness and become wild again. And with that comes freedom and magic, but with that also comes a deep aloneness and isolation. There is something out there that must be shared but as soon as it is discovered it becomes almost impossible to save from extortion, from destruction, from humanness as if it were a holy place and to enter it you must become that otherness, that non-human.
Another line:
I realize that it is not important to be strong, but to feel strong.
this is all gobblety gook right now and will need to be sorted through later.
Ask this question:
why are we here and what is our purpose?
and also in conjunction with that:
what is out there, what is nature and how are we to live in it?
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
My life is not spontaneous
I feel like life was not meant to be compactable and square sided. I have the curse/blessing of having every moment in my life planned out, even my leisure time. But how does one say: "I think 30 minutes should be enough time for a relaxing walk." or even further, how does one deal with having leisure time scheduled at all? It is a ridiculous life we lead; all with our schedules and planners to make life less stressful. But what we end up doing with well scheduled lives, is filling in the gaps. There is no longer any spontaneity in life. I sometimes feel like I have even scheduled my romantic life: Friday night, 10 pm to 2 - hit on ladies at a bar in the Mission, optional: take lady friend to home.
What ever happened to unproductivity? Why is it that we place so much value on time and productivity? Doesn't it seem like the universes' biggest joke on humans is that even though the length of daylight available changes with the seasons, we humans will continue to try and do the same or ever increasing amounts of work regardless of the season? If plants and other animals hibernate during the winter, decrease activity and calorie expenditure, shouldn't we follow suit?
Back to spontaneity, I think it is all a big ruse really. Life is supposed to be exciting, scary, real, and unknown. Instead, I know exactly what I am going to do every weekend, weekday, and I pretty much have my bathroom breaks down to an art. Yes folks, I have the incredible power of clockwork regularity.
I just want a surprise here and there…help me join the unknown!
What ever happened to unproductivity? Why is it that we place so much value on time and productivity? Doesn't it seem like the universes' biggest joke on humans is that even though the length of daylight available changes with the seasons, we humans will continue to try and do the same or ever increasing amounts of work regardless of the season? If plants and other animals hibernate during the winter, decrease activity and calorie expenditure, shouldn't we follow suit?
Back to spontaneity, I think it is all a big ruse really. Life is supposed to be exciting, scary, real, and unknown. Instead, I know exactly what I am going to do every weekend, weekday, and I pretty much have my bathroom breaks down to an art. Yes folks, I have the incredible power of clockwork regularity.
I just want a surprise here and there…help me join the unknown!
Monday, August 24, 2009
Some old poetry of mine
Today I wanted to be picked up
carried - if just for a while,
rocked and soothed.
But, to no amount of
crying and raging
could any giant arms find me.
We are the generation of __
(Adults) that live in future tenses:
we will never (to be)
In our youth we are reminded
two decades done, two more to come?
In our middles - a discontent
and emptying of empty
a disconnect:
once whose cheeks were ruddy, round and full.
Now are: sallow, sallowing shallower still.
In our age we are reminded of the loss of our in-ability
our infancy, such tender caresses,
and kisses,
and the endless comfort
in knowing that with just one cry:
racing racing! Mother
will come to hold and to have.
How does one ever fit in his or her age with
Fervor, with
passionate strikes and strokes
with confidence
confident that if by chance
time were to stop
we would be exactly
where we are supposed to be.
carried - if just for a while,
rocked and soothed.
But, to no amount of
crying and raging
could any giant arms find me.
We are the generation of __
(Adults) that live in future tenses:
we will never (to be)
In our youth we are reminded
two decades done, two more to come?
In our middles - a discontent
and emptying of empty
a disconnect:
once whose cheeks were ruddy, round and full.
Now are: sallow, sallowing shallower still.
In our age we are reminded of the loss of our in-ability
our infancy, such tender caresses,
and kisses,
and the endless comfort
in knowing that with just one cry:
racing racing! Mother
will come to hold and to have.
How does one ever fit in his or her age with
Fervor, with
passionate strikes and strokes
with confidence
confident that if by chance
time were to stop
we would be exactly
where we are supposed to be.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Quarter Life
I am not so sure this is a great first post, but it is what it is:
I am approaching 25 years of age in a couple of months, and it seems as if this age has become synonymous with the dreaded "quarter life crisis". It is not just me, asked any one who knows the advent of the following items:
• Nintendo
• the internet
• interracial sitcoms
• mix tapes
• Super Nintendo
• Sega Genesis
• Nintendo 64
• STILL remembers the Wizard of Oz
• The Lion King
• snap bracelets
• etc.
And you will find a bunch of Twenty-somethings who are feeling:
• apathetic
• disingenuous
• disillusioned
• overwhelmed
• anxious
• undersexed
• overworked
• non-contributory to society
• etc.
much to the point that it has become such a blasé catch phrase: "Quarter life crisis".
As a result, my generation, like all generations who are feeling a bit disaffected and disconnected from reality, have been resorting to drugs, distractions, crazy life changes, exotic diets, mass consumption, insomnia, self-medication, over prescriptions of anti-depressants, etc. as a way to get away... but we all get "it" in the end.
We are all the product of the hippie parents gone corporate, plus our older "Generation X" siblings, plus the new inundation of information from the digital age/internet/cell phones/technological prosthetics, that has made it impossible for us to RELAX. Look at yourself right now, you are reading a blog, a modern invention of this greater concept of social networking. Back not too long ago, people published writings and it was made public after some big to-do. Nowadays, with a simple click of a few buttons, one can publish their entire hearts worth to millions of other people; it is amazing and connects us in ways we never thought possible. But now we are finding it impossible to unplug.
Even further, my generation has been taught time and time again to "go to college" and we took it to even greater heights, continuing to stay in school. Some call it a thirst for knowledge, and in part it is. But a bigger proportion of us, if we were being honest, stay in school because we don't know what to do. There are too many options, and each one carry great rewards and giant consequences. It seems as if to make a decision to progress with our lives, we haves to cut off a number of other seemingly interesting and rewarding options. We are taught to dedicate ourselves to what ever we decide to do, and are chastised when we dabble in a multitude of fields. We are taught to make up our minds, when we are never allowed to venture far from our comfort levels. We are told: "you can do anything if you put your mind to it".
But, we know that is not always true. Society at large is based on some screwed up merit system that rewards rare positions in careers to those who are the "best" as defined by rubrics, and metrics, and numbers, etc. I am sure this was done out of convenience: it is waaay to difficult to spend time getting to know every applicant deeply when hiring for a job, but as a result our generation has become really good at "faking it until we make it". So we are left with a bunch of green kids, running around trying to make a living, stuck with what little we crammed into our heads with our Bachelors degrees thinking: "Yeah, I am qualified for this job." and finding out the hard way that college taught us really little other than how to deal with hangovers.
That’s IF we decide on one job path. For the majority of us, we have giant aspirations that are whole lives, are presented as totally achievable for us. We are taught we are special, unique, and very talented by doting parents who want nothing than for us to succeed in life. Failure is never presented as an option. As a result, we are the generation afraid to fall.
My whole life is not "sink or swim", its "swim, keep swimming". What would it be like to fail?
I am approaching 25 years of age in a couple of months, and it seems as if this age has become synonymous with the dreaded "quarter life crisis". It is not just me, asked any one who knows the advent of the following items:
• Nintendo
• the internet
• interracial sitcoms
• mix tapes
• Super Nintendo
• Sega Genesis
• Nintendo 64
• STILL remembers the Wizard of Oz
• The Lion King
• snap bracelets
• etc.
And you will find a bunch of Twenty-somethings who are feeling:
• apathetic
• disingenuous
• disillusioned
• overwhelmed
• anxious
• undersexed
• overworked
• non-contributory to society
• etc.
much to the point that it has become such a blasé catch phrase: "Quarter life crisis".
As a result, my generation, like all generations who are feeling a bit disaffected and disconnected from reality, have been resorting to drugs, distractions, crazy life changes, exotic diets, mass consumption, insomnia, self-medication, over prescriptions of anti-depressants, etc. as a way to get away... but we all get "it" in the end.
We are all the product of the hippie parents gone corporate, plus our older "Generation X" siblings, plus the new inundation of information from the digital age/internet/cell phones/technological prosthetics, that has made it impossible for us to RELAX. Look at yourself right now, you are reading a blog, a modern invention of this greater concept of social networking. Back not too long ago, people published writings and it was made public after some big to-do. Nowadays, with a simple click of a few buttons, one can publish their entire hearts worth to millions of other people; it is amazing and connects us in ways we never thought possible. But now we are finding it impossible to unplug.
Even further, my generation has been taught time and time again to "go to college" and we took it to even greater heights, continuing to stay in school. Some call it a thirst for knowledge, and in part it is. But a bigger proportion of us, if we were being honest, stay in school because we don't know what to do. There are too many options, and each one carry great rewards and giant consequences. It seems as if to make a decision to progress with our lives, we haves to cut off a number of other seemingly interesting and rewarding options. We are taught to dedicate ourselves to what ever we decide to do, and are chastised when we dabble in a multitude of fields. We are taught to make up our minds, when we are never allowed to venture far from our comfort levels. We are told: "you can do anything if you put your mind to it".
But, we know that is not always true. Society at large is based on some screwed up merit system that rewards rare positions in careers to those who are the "best" as defined by rubrics, and metrics, and numbers, etc. I am sure this was done out of convenience: it is waaay to difficult to spend time getting to know every applicant deeply when hiring for a job, but as a result our generation has become really good at "faking it until we make it". So we are left with a bunch of green kids, running around trying to make a living, stuck with what little we crammed into our heads with our Bachelors degrees thinking: "Yeah, I am qualified for this job." and finding out the hard way that college taught us really little other than how to deal with hangovers.
That’s IF we decide on one job path. For the majority of us, we have giant aspirations that are whole lives, are presented as totally achievable for us. We are taught we are special, unique, and very talented by doting parents who want nothing than for us to succeed in life. Failure is never presented as an option. As a result, we are the generation afraid to fall.
My whole life is not "sink or swim", its "swim, keep swimming". What would it be like to fail?
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